Would Be Birthday

Dear Benjamin,

Well, the "perfect day" has finally arrived. 10/10/10. And this isn't at all how I expected to spend this day. I expected to be in the hospital tonight, holding you and looking into your eyes for the first time.

Instead, we spent the evening remembering you and wishing we could have looked into your eyes just once.

We have a tradition in our family that we make a garden stone for each of our kids when they're a week old. We put their hand and feet prints in the stone and decorate it before putting it in our yard. Here's what your brothers' stones look like:

Gideon:


Canaan:


So today, on what would have been your birthday, we decided to make a stone for you anyway. Nana and Papa came over to help us.

First, Daddy mixed the concrete:


Then we took turns putting white and clear stones into the wet cement:






We let it dry and then put it in the garden where it belongs. I think it turned out beautifully!


Sweet Benjamin, I hope you know how much I wish you were here. I'm so sorry that we'll never get to know you like we'd like. But I'm only sorry for us. I'm not sorry for you. Because you, sweet boy, are not missing out on anything at all. You have your perfect, glorified body already! You are in the presence of Jesus! Yes, I'm your mommy and I selfishly want you with me. But how could I wish to take you away from where you are. What better birthday than to have a truly perfect day!

Welcome Readers

Until today, this blog has been a private affair with its readers limited to my husband and my best friend. Today however, I know many of you will stumble over here through You Glo Girl! or some other source. I hope God blesses you while you're here.

If you'd like to read Benjamin's story from the beginning, click here.

Otherwise, there are a few quick tidbits I've come to experience regarding the loss of an unborn child that I'd like to mention as sort of a PS to this blog...

First is that the experience never leaves you. I have spoken with women who lost babies over twenty years ago, and they still reach out to me with empathy and compassion because they remember so well how it felt. The loss becomes a part of you, it stays with you forever, and to be honest, I don't think any of us would want it any other way.

Secondly, the experience creates an instantaneous bond between women who have lost babies. I am amazed that women I've casually been acquainted with for years have suddenly become closer just because we share this crazy, awful experience. It's a bond that none of us would ever pray for, but one for which we are eternally grateful nonetheless.

Lastly, this experience is not exclusive to women. Sure, it's our bodies that go through the change from full to empty. But daddies feel the loss too. If that's one thing I would change, it would be that others reach out to men who've lost children too. So many people asked my husband how I was doing in the days and weeks following our loss. (And I was truly touched, to be sure!) But it was a rare occurrence that someone actually asked how he was doing as well. He was a rock. He was a huge source of comfort and support for me. But he cried too. If the opportunity presents itself to acknowledge a daddy's grief, do so. And if it doesn't, do so anyway. The typical man might blow it off and change the subject back to his wife, but at least he'll know that his loss has been noted.

I hope you're here today out of curiosity and not because you've "been there," but if you are here because you've been touched by a premature goodbye like us, my heart and prayers are with you.

May the "God of all comfort" (2 Cor. 1:3) truly comfort you.

Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah

One of Gideon's favorite rides at Disney World was Splash Mountain. It has its origins from the 1946 Disney movie Song of the South, (currently out of production due to its "southern content") which features Uncle Remus, Br'er Rabbit, the Tar Baby, and the laughing place. But even if you haven't heard of any of that, I'm sure you've heard (and probably even sung) some lines from its famous song, Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah.

Well, yesterday Gideon was running around the house all morning singing, "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee,ay! My oh my what a beautiful day!" over and over again.

And I really had to agree with him.

It seems as though, once again, God is already protecting me from and preparing me for the upcoming would-be due date for Benjamin. It's just days away now, and I expected to be forlorn, introspective, and a permanent resident of the land of "what if" by now.

Instead, I'm singing zip-a-dee-doo-dah.

We returned from Florida to beautiful, fall weather, and the crisp air feels like a hug from God Himself. I am keenly aware of and humbly thankful for my many, many blessings, and I can truly feel the Joy of my salvation, plus the Joy of life itself. I love my husband, our boys, our home, our friends, our family, our church. But mostly, I love that my God is a God of comfort, because I feel like He's given me divine chicken noodle soup and hot tea in the midst of the flu.

But here's what is so strange. He hasn't necessarily given me any new or different blessing than, say, a month ago.

He's just given me the ability to see and notice the blessings I already have.

So often when we go through trying times, we pray that God will "fix it." Maybe we want a rewind button or a fast forward button so we can skip past the funk or return to better days. But God is not in the business of undoing anything.

Instead, we should pray to see our circumstances through His eyes. Our blessings rather than our trials. The eternal rather than the temporal. His sovereignty rather than His mystery.

Comfort does not come in skipping over the grief. It comes in being carried through it.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. - Psalm 28:7

I don't know about you, but I think Uncle Remus stole Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah from David. :-)

Dear Little One,

Dear Tiny Occupant of my Tummy,

First, let me apologize that it's taken me so long to write to you. To be honest, I have been hesitant to tell you hello for fear that hello would lead to goodbye.

And I've had enough goodbyes lately.

But that's a story for another day, and for now, let me just say how excited I am that you are on your way to us! Even now, God is knitting you together and I cannot wait to see His masterpiece!

You are already loved! You are already special! You already have a great purpose in life that someday your Creator will reveal to you.

We may get to see you again on Friday if Dr. Nguyen brings us to the ultrasound room again, and I am so excited about that possibility. I pray God keeps you safe. I pray He keeps you healthy.

But mostly, I pray that your life will glorify Him.

I'm so excited to meet you in March!

Love,
Mommy

A Little Escape

When I miscarried the first time, it happened to be during the same time that Gideon stopped nursing. Now, women can experience post-partum depression at about any stage during or after pregnancy, but I've read that when a child finally weans himself, the change in hormones for the mother can be a trigger for depression.

Needless to say, when Gideon was weaned and we learned that I'd miscarried all in a matter of a couple of weeks, it did not do well for my emotions.

I remember crying. A lot.

Then when we didn't get pregnant again as soon as we hoped, I desperately needed something, anything, to look forward to to help the whole depression thing go away.

I know I should be saying that I turned to Scripture 100% and prayed and fasted my way through it, but that wouldn't be the entire truth. Obviously, my faith in my wonderful, sovereign Father and the ways He's proved Himself Good over and over again were my primary help. Like 99% of it...

But we also decided to go to Disney World, and I gotta admit, that helped me too! :-)

So when we lost Benjamin, I told Jason in passing one day that I hoped I didn't get so depressed we'd have to go to Disney World again just to get me out of it.

Well, that's all I had to say and within a matter of weeks, (maybe even days?) we had another trip booked.


We just returned from spending nine days at Disney World, and all I can do is praise God for allowing us to go on such an amazing trip. It was so wonderful to spend all day with my boys, and to see their little eyes light up at the simplest things (getting photos taken with characters, rollercoasters, bus rides, fireworks!) was just the most amazing thing ever!

Of course, beneath the surface of the pixie dust and mouse ears, I thought about a lot while in the Magic Kingdom.

I thought about the first time that Jason and I went to Disney World - before we had kids - and how I watched all of the parents pushing around their worn out little kiddos in strollers and how I prayed that God would bless us with that same expereince someday. He did (and thank you!)

I thought about Benjamin, of course, and the truth that if he was still with us, I'd be at home on last-minute baby countdown mode awaiting his arrival instead of standing in line to see Buzz Lightyear. For some reason, God thought we should be here instead, so while I still don't understand it, I'll focus on the good that comes from the bad and thank Him for it.


And I thought about our other child, still in my tummy, unknown to us but fully known to God. And I thought about how even when I'm hugging Cinderella or riding the monorail or Soarin' over a virtual California landscape, God is there in it all - holding us both in His hands, knitting another little soul one divine stitch at a time.

And I really started to look forward to meeting our next little child...

Still Here

I've been pretty quiet the last few weeks, but that is typical of the first trimester for me. It was strange going from three months or so of feeling sick and exhausted, to having six weeks off, to going to another three months of feeling sick and exhausted again! I'm not complaining, but I will say I wouldn't want to do it again back-to-back like that.

I'm almost to the second trimester, and we still haven't make any blanket annoucements yet, but people are slowly beginning to find out we're expecting again. Apparently, my stomach did not get the memo on keeping things quiet and is giving me away pound by pound!

I'm enjoying the anticipation of fall, but with each day, I'm acutely aware that October 10th is getting closer and closer...

Special Request

So Gideon does not know that a baby is on the way, but lately he has had "baby fever!" He has asked me several times when I'm going to have another baby in my tummy, and I just tell him that it depends on when God blesses us with one. When I asked him why he wanted to know, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Because I want one!"

The funny part is that when I offer to pray for a baby during bedtime prayers, he insists that I pray for a baby sister instead of a baby brother!

So I asked him the other day, "Gideon, if God does give us a baby sister, what do you think we should name her?"

Gideon: "Uh... Kevin."

Hilarious, but NO! :-)

Finally Some Fun!

Dear Benjamin,

This weekend was Jennifer's wedding, and it ended up being a fabulous time! She was the last of us to be married, and to watch her and Kevyn together was just a sweet reminder of God's perfect timing in our lives. I had mixed emotions the whole time - sad knowing that I should be wearing that tent-like size 14 dress because I should be six months pregnant with you by now, but still glad that I was able to wear the official bridesmaid dress instead (it was much more flattering!).

I found it ironic that after all the drama of the last few months, I still ended up being pregnant in her wedding, but I still didn't say anything because I didn't want to take away from her moment in the spotlight. Instead, I had her photographer take a secret picture of me holding up a sign that said, "Due March, 2011." I figured by the time she gets her wedding photos in several weeks, it will be just about the time I'm ready to share our news, so it will be a fun way for her to find out.

All in all, the weekend was fabulous, and while you were always in my heart and in my mind (after all, you should have been there), I still had a great time!


Another strange blessing came on Sunday. We stayed in the Dallas area for an extra night in order to meet up with family the next day. I saw relatives I hadn't seen in decades, and it melted my heart to see them again after so much time.

But while were were looking through (very) old family photos, I realized that Benjamin is somewhat of a family name. It was my great-great (I think) grandfather's name as well as a few others through the generations. I had no idea when we chose your name that there was some family ties to it, but it was a special blessing to discover.

I'm still thinking about you all the time, but I'm finding myself smiling a lot as well...

Love,
Mommy

Great Expectations

As I suspected (because of my crazy dreams), and much to our surprise, we are expecting another baby again! I definitely did not expect it to happen again so soon, but since when do I understand God's timing anymore! :-)

Things are a little different this time around. We have joy, of course, but we're a little reserved in expressing it, and I think we'll wait as long as possible to share the news.

We've been to the doctor, and he doesn't have any reason to think we should encounter any problems. And so far, all is going well. So for now, it's another round of morning sickness and expanding wastelines, and I will endure/enjoy it for as long as God allows me to.

God willing, our precious little one will arrive in March, and I pray, not a day too soon!

Moving Forward

Dear Benjamin,

Today I bought a pregnancy test.

Scratch that. Today I bought four pregnancy tests. (The 99 cent Store; it's a great thing!)

I've been pregnant enough times to recognize the early signs, and for me one of the first tell-tale signs of being with child is a slew of crazy, memorable, over-the-top, ultra-realistic dreams.

A lately, I've had some doozies.

So I went shopping, loaded up my basket with cheap, but always accurate, pregnancy tests, and will put them up until I can use them sometime next week.

But here's thing. I'm not quite sure how I feel about being pregnant again. Being pregnant means anticipating the birth of your child. It means planning for his or her future. It means getting the family prepared for a new addition.

It means looking forward, and to be honest, I'm not quite finished looking back yet.

A huge part of me is still holding on to your future and anticipating October even though I know you won't be here to spend it with us. I want you to be remembered. I don't want to jump so quickly into the anticipation of our next child that you are forgotten before we've even memorialized you.

It makes me feel like I'm at the airport and the voice over the loud speakers is calling, "Last chance for boarding. All remaining passengers must board NOW!" and I haven't gotten a chance to say goodbye yet.

And I don't want to say goodbye yet.

I'm just not ready for goodbye yet.

Most of the time, we get frustrated with God's timing because He seems to be taking longer than we'd like. For the first time, it feels as if He's a little early.

But, intellectually I know that God is neither late nor early, so if He has chosen to bless us with a child once again, I know full well that the timing is perfect and I will praise Him wholeheartedly. And I know that someday soon I will see snippets of His perfect plan and how all of this has unfolded as it has for a reason.

Maybe I do have to move forward a little sooner than I expected. But that doesn't mean I have to say goodbye.

It simply means I'll be glancing in the rear-view mirror a lot as I go.

Salt in the Wounds

I've learned a lot over the past few weeks about the medical billing world, and none of it is very pretty. It all started when I received a lovely little letter from our insurance company regarding my hospital stay and Benjamin's delivery. It said:

Based on our review, this service or supply is not approved because it does not satisfy the criteria for establishing medical necessity and appropriateness... No benefits will be provided...

Translation: You're about to owe over $10,000 in medical bills for delivering a child you didn't even get to keep.

Now, I know that I had the option of staying home and going through the entire, um, process, alone, but after having been there, done that, I can assure you, every bit of my time at the wonderful St. John's hospital was medically necessary. I guess if I were one of those women who opt for no pain meds, no epidural, water births, or whatever, maybe I could have pulled it off. But then again, remember the whole possibility of "uterine rupture" or "necessary C-section?" I don't know that Jason and I could have handled that by ourselves in our living room.

So, I called the insurance company, hormonally poised to shake someone silly through the phone lines, when I was dealt with yet another blow. The helpful agent explained to me: "This procedure is not covered because your medical records indicate that you had an abortion."

Excuse me, what!?

I quickly and emphatically explained to her what really happened, you know, the ultrasound that rocked the world. And that's when she explained further: "I'm so sorry that happened. But unfortunately, the medical codes are the same for a miscarriage as they are for an abortion. All the code says is that a pregnancy was terminated. It does not distinguish whether the termination was voluntary or involuntary."

I'm sorry, but I'm just a little bit floored that in the decades of modern medicine, no one thought to distinguish between two such drastically different circumstances. I wanted to insist someone from claims call up Nurse Cameron and let her explain the midnight duet between the Doppler machine and my stomach that medically confirmed - for the third time - that our child was not "aborted" in the typical sense of the word. Did his life end abruptly while still in the womb? Yes. But his days were numbered by God Himself, and it just so happened that that number was very small.

I'm not worried about the financial aspect of it all. To be honest, I know that if God can handle the people at David's Bridal and protect me from having to buy bridesmaids dresses in bulk, then He can more than handle a little medical claim gone askew. It's just the principle of it all. Because of this stupid glitch in the world of medical billing, the burden is on me to provide my entire medical record to my insurance company in order to reopen the claim and have the insurance applied.

That, and now it's "out there" that I've had an abortion, even if it isn't true.

I remember reading Sarah Palin's memoir, Going Rogue, in which she tells that she went through something very similar. When running for Vice President with a Pro-Life platform, someone somewhere dug up her medical records and reported that this Pro-Life candidate had had an abortion in her past.

Not true.

Like me, she'd experienced a miscarriage, and like me, the medical coding associated with it did not distinguish between a voluntary termination of a pregnancy or an involuntary termination. On paper, the pregnancy was "aborted" and the details associated with it were buried beneath the codes.

It makes me sick and it makes me mad that somewhere out there someone could argue the same against me. In those circumstances, the truth usually does come out loud and clear, but it's like printing a retraction on the bottom of the last page of the newspaper; the damage is already done.

I don't like having my name associated with an "abortion" even if it is a medical term and even if it is synonymous with miscarriage. I have many, many friends who have had abortions, and I know the pain and regret they have had to work through. It's not that abortion is unforgivable or that it's any more heinous than any of the awful things I actually have done; it's just that I don't want anyone anywhere to ever have reason to think that I didn't want my sweet Benjamin.

Rhonda's Dream

A week or so before I learned that we lost Benjamin, my friend Rhonda had a dream about me. (Yes, this is the same Rhonda who God has used to bless me so many times before.) She told me about the dream when she first learned what had happened, and she said that she even wrote about it in her journal. So today, she finally sent me her journal entry:

Emily was playing in a river. There was unspeakable joy. The river was made of water that was like diamonds, and she was throwing the water up and it was like diamonds were sparkling in the air. There was a music, but it was not really audible, like it was coming from our hearts. The whole place was singing, and she was dancing to the music in this river.

All of the sudden a dark cloud came and it was full of thunder and lightening and it was threatening to overtake the atmosphere...I saw a look on her face that was fearful and also confused, like she did not know what to think about what was happening. Why would this storm cloud come and invade such a beautiful place? All of the sudden a look of clarity and determination came over her and she decided to start dancing again in the river (how like Emily)...The cloud was still there and had cast a shadow over the whole place, but it was like she was not going to let it take away the joy that she had from the beginning... I don't know if I should tell Emily about this or not, please help me to know LORD.

It turns out, my storm clouds came before she had to worry about whether to tell me about her dream or not. So when she shared with me that she saw me dancing in the midst of my storm, it really touched me, and I immediately had hope. It challenged me, somehow. Challenged me to dance and not drown.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I firmly believe that one of the main reasons why God allows us to go through grief is so that we may have empathy for others who experience grief as well. Grief leads to ministry. After my last miscarriage, I'll be honest, I tried to skip over the grief and jump straight into the ministry aspect of it all. Bad idea. This time, I'm going to allow this grief to be what it is for as long as necessary. I'm sad. I'm not over it. I'm not ready to move on yet. But someday I will.

Someday, I'll dance.

Charmed

Dear Benjamin,

A couple of weeks ago, Sarah asked if we could meet for supper soon because she had something for me. So this evening, the boys and I met Sarah and Cameron at the Chick-fil-A in Pearland. After supper, she gave me this: A beautiful charm from James Avery. And it wasn't just from her; it was from all of the girls - Robin, Jen, and Jennifer as well.

I had several waves of emotion sweep over me at once. The first wave - that the gift was from all of them. I was so blessed and so thankful for my friends who care enough to talk behind my back in order to come up with the perfect way to show how much they care.

The second wave - that the gift was a charm. Benjamin, you may never know this about me, but I love charms! I'm the type of person who likes to pick out jewelry based on the meaning behind it rather than the price tag, and charms are a great way to get unique, but meaningful jewelry. My favorite charms are the birthstone charms that Daddy gave me to mark Gideon and Canaan's birthdays and my tambourine charm that I have because of Jephthah's daughter. My charms remind me of God's blessings, God's lessons, or a combination of the two. So, it was already in my mind to find the perfect charm to remember the short weeks I spent carrying you inside of me, but I just haven't gotten around to it yet. So when I saw that the girls bought me a charm, once again, I was blown away by God's faithfulness. He knew what I needed, and He provided it for me without me even having to ask.

The third wave hit me when Sarah explained why they chose that particular charm. "We know that you'll never forget Benjamin and that he will always be in your heart. Well, we just want to assure you that he'll always be in ours as well, and we won't forget him either."

Of course that's been my very prayer. That you won't be forgotten.

I put the charm on a necklace, and I love thinking of you every time I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror. Please tell God thank you for me for giving me such wonderful friends and for using their arms to let me feel His love.

A Grief Observed

Dear Benjamin,

Yesterday at church, my friend Rhonda gave me a little Mother's Day gift because she knew it would be a difficult day. I was very touched, but I didn't open the gift bag yet because class was starting.

Later, while Rhonda was teaching, for some reason I kept thinking that I needed to go to the library and check out A Grief Observed by CS Lewis. I've always wanted to read it, but never have, and I thought now was as good a time as any.

When class was over, I headed downstairs to the library to search for the book. However, as I looked in the windows the library was packed full of people, there was a long line, and I realized I just didn't want to face the crowds. Instead I just wanted to get to my seat in the worship center as quick as possible and not talk to anyone. The book, I decided, could wait another week.

When I got to my seat, Daddy was already sitting down, and he asked what was in the bag. I said, "I don't know. It's from Rhonda." Then, I opened it and found inside a copy of A Grief Observed! The first words out of my mouth were, "Oh my goodness, that girl is freaking me out!" Daddy asked why, and I said, "It's like she is inside my head!" and told him about the book. I was cracking up!

With the book was also a sweet little baby bonnet crocheted in soft purple yarn. Rhonda explained that she received the bonnet when her daughter, Hope, was born. The hospital gave it to her because Hope had to remain in the hospital for awhile after birth and Rhonda had to go home without her.

It is really amazing how often God has used Rhonda to answer my specific prayers and meet my specific needs, and to be quite honest, it really is kind of freaky sometimes! But, like I told her, it's freaky in a good way.

Later, when I emailed Rhonda to tell her thank you, she wrote back: "That is so funny about the book because I was not planning on sending that and had even forgotten that I had it. But once I got the other stuff in the bag, it felt like something was missing so I said, 'What is it God? Help me find it quick.' And I went to my book shelf and there it was."

Once again, God is providing what I need before I even know that I need it.

Mother's Day

Dear Benjamin,

For twenty-three years now, I have had a love/hate relationship with Mother’s Day. It can be a fun, amazing day celebrating the miraculous gift that God gives us in our moms, but there are also times it can be a day that rips at your heart and causes a pain that is so deep and so real, you just want to go into a complete state of numbness until the wretched day is over. I’ve felt both ends of the spectrum.

Mother’s Day, 1986
I had no idea that it would be my last Mother’s Day with my own mom so I have absolutely no memories at all. But just recently I found a photo from that day. We were at a restaurant and I guess the waiter took a picture of us as part of the “Mother’s Day Special.” It was one of those old-fashioned Polaroid pictures that you have to shake to make it come into view. Mom was sitting behind the table and Meghan, Jesse, and I had gathered beside her.

I think she was wearing a blue dress.

When I found the photo, I smiled because it was a cute picture and I could tell that we must have just come from church because we were all dressed up. Then I saw, “Mother’s Day, 1986” scratched in pen along the bottom and that’s when I fell apart.

I wanted to step into that picture and grab the 10-year-old girl with big hair and big glasses and shake some sense into her. “Hug her tighter!” I wanted to scream. “Don’t you know that this is it? It may be a silly little Hallmark-initiated day, but this is the last chance you’ll have to wish her a happy Mother’s Day. Just hug her tighter, tell her you love her like you mean it, and don’t be so quick to get back to your chips and queso!”

But I couldn’t reason with the naïve girl in the picture, so I just cried instead.

Mother’s Day, 2006 – thirty years later
It was my first Mother’s Day as a mom myself because I was pregnant with your older brother, Gideon. When they asked all the moms to stand up at church, I stood and was never prouder to stick out my big huge belly than at that moment!

Mother’s Day, 2007
This was my first Mother’s Day as a mother-in-action and not just by name only. It was by far the most wonderful Mother’s Day in my entire life! Daddy took me and Gideon to a park in League City the week before and spent the day taking pictures of the two of us together. Then he gave me the photos and a tote-bag with one of the photos for Mother’s Day. I remember being very surprised that I had turned into one of those women who loves to get cheesy gifts about or from her children, but I really did cherish those photos as if they were worth more than the Hope Diamond itself!

And for the first time in years, Mother’s Day felt more like a day of celebration than it did a day of remembrance.

Mother’s Day, 2008
What a difference a year makes. I became pregnant sometime in August of that year and found out just a few days before Gideon’s first birthday. We were happy, of course, but I was especially ecstatic because of the projected due date of our second child. He/she was due in mid-May, but because of the past c-section, I knew the chances for a 5/7/08 baby were very high. Oh, how I wanted our child to be born on that day and I knew that God had divinely orchestrated it for a special purpose. You see, May 7th was my own mom’s birthday, and this year, she would have been 60! I was so thrilled to get to honor her in such an awesome way and couldn’t wait to find out what we were having. I was sure it would be a girl this time.

However, just a couple of weeks later, I miscarried, and the child I though I’d bring into this world on my Mother’s birthday was already in Heaven with her.

And as it turned out, when 5/7/08 finally came, I ended up mourning the loss of four generations of women in my life.

My mom, who would have been 60.

My unborn sister, who died when she did since Mom was five months pregnant when she died.

My (daughter?), who should have been born that day.

And my grandma, MeeMaw, who was in the hospital and on the last hours of her life. She died the next day.

Four generations of loss all culminating into that one, awful Mother’s Day week.

But, as God so faithfully does, he quickly began to take the scales from my eyes so I could see how He was working behind the scenes. First, I realized as I sat in the funeral for my sweet MeeMaw on Mother’s Day afternoon that had I just had our child like I should have, there would have been a chance of being too sick or sore to attend MeeMaw’s funeral. I might have missed it.

Don’t get me wrong. If given the choice I would choose without hesitation bringing a child into the world over attending a funeral any day, but as it were, I’m glad I got to be there.

Secondly, despite the fact that I was physically feeling the pain of losing all of these people, I was surprisingly calm. I couldn’t figure it out, but somehow I could tell God was taking some of my burden and placing it onto Himself (sounds just like Him, doesn’t it!)

It had been about eight months since the miscarriage and we still were not yet pregnant again. As per tradition, Brother John has a special prayer time on Mother’s Day for all of the couples who are struggling with infertility. At the last minute, your Daddy grabbed my hand and we stood up along with all of the other couples who were desperately wanting children.

I learned later that I was already pregnant with your brother, Canaan, and just didn’t know it at that time. And when I get pregnant, my emotions typically level out. And when my emotions level out, I don’t cry as much… And you can see how God prepared me in advance for what He knew I was going to have to endure during that Mother's Day week. So though the week was full of more downs than ups, God got me through it, and had already answered our prayer for another child in giving us Canaan.

Mother’s Day, 2009
Another great Mother’s Day. Now I had two little boys to take pictures with and enjoy on Mother’s Day. I remember being happy once again, but most of all, being very, very thankful.

Mother’s Day, 2010
The love/hate relationship rears its ugly head once again, and if I’ve ever wanted to skip over a holiday before, it is this one.

Benjamin, you should be here with me to celebrate. That’s all there is to it.

Until 11 days ago, my main concern about this Mother’s Day was that we wouldn’t be able to find out if we were having a boy or a girl in time to tell everyone on Mother’s Day.

Oh, how I wish that were the worst that had happened.

Instead, my body still looks like it’s carrying a child, but my tummy is empty. That, and I can’t stop thinking about Heaven.

I’m thinking about you and your (sister?) and wondering if you are together. How does it work when a child goes to heaven? I’ve heard that a baby would get the new glorified body of baby, but I don’t know if that’s true or not. And if it is, then what about you? You were only 4 inches long and your (sister?) was not even developed enough to have a heartbeat. What do you look like now???

And more importantly, will I recognize you when I get there?

Have you met my unborn sister (your Aunt) and your grandma Linda (my mom)? Are you all together? Do you share a mansion?

I know you’re with Jesus now and in my finite mind I cannot grasp how wonderful it really is for you. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of it and I think I know. But I don’t really know.

Because if I really “got it” I wouldn’t wonder what I’m wondering now. My biggest questions on Mother’s Day…

Do you miss me?

Do you even know about me?

Gideon’s eyes. Canaan’s smile. That’s what I need to focus on today. I miss you, but I know I am blessed. I may have two babies in heaven, but I also have two right here as well. And for now, I Must. Go. Hug. Them. Now!

Ugh. Why isn’t this day over yet?

David's Bridal

Dear Benjamin,

I was dreading going to David's Bridal tonight. Jennifer's wedding is in July and I'm her matron of honor. When she picked out bridesmaids dresses several months ago, I tried on the official dress, and the 6 fit perfectly. Well, after becoming pregnant, I tried on dresses again, and after only gaining THREE pounds, the 6, 8, and even the 10 didn't fit at all! So, Jennifer was gracious enough to let me order a different, much more forgiving, style dress for her wedding and I ended up ordering an empire waist, size 14 dress in order to fit my ever-growing, 6-month pregnant figure come July.

Then, I lost you.

And strangely enough, one of my first concerns was, "What am I going to do about this dumb dress situation now?!"

I've run into some snooty people at bridal shops before, and their policy clearly states no refunds or exchanges for ANY reason. I was petrified that I was going to end up with a $150 size 14 tent-like dress and then have to pay for another $150 dress on top of that.

So I prayed. I prayed really hard. I prayed that somehow the ladies at David's Bridal would show me mercy and exchange the dress without giving me an attitude, and I prayed that I wouldn't have to come behind the counter and pound some 21-year-old, 100-lb sales consultant for being unreasonable to a woman still dealing with the remnants of pregnancy hormones.

Then I called your Daddy and told him that if I wound up on the 10 o'clock news, I was sorry.

When I got to the store, I went to the girl sitting behind the welcome desk and told her my situation. "Is there anyway I can do an exchange given the circumstances?"

She seemed to blink back tears as she said, "Absolutely! That's no problem at all." My shoulders lightened by tons and I was already thanking God. Then the girl stood up and I could see that she was about seven or eight months pregnant herself.

I know it was no coincidence. God put the exact right person in my path to help me and answer my prayers.

I exchanged the old dress for the new one, didn't have to pay a dime extra, and most miraculously of all (since I haven't yet lost that much weight), is that the 6 once again fit me perfectly.

He is the same

Dear Benjamin,

Today was a tough day. Perhaps it is that Mother’s Day is just three days away, or maybe I'm still fuming over the dumb Dr. Seuss encounter, but whatever the reason, I’m missing you like crazy today.

I’ve been on a “read the Bible in a year” plan, which has now taken me almost three years to complete. But in the spirit of optimism, I’m already looking forward to next year because I have a brand new one-year Bible and plan to read out of that one rather than my normal study Bible.

For some reason, I got the urge to crack open my one-year Bible today and see what passage it had set aside for April 30, the day you were born.

I flipped it open, found the date, and couldn’t believe what followed:

Judges 11.

The story of Jephthah’s Daughter. My favorite Bible story ever, and the one that God used to show me so much of Himself that I had to go and write a book about it.

And it shows up on April 30.

I am amazed at how much our God cares about us. That was such a sweet gift and I was so grateful to find it. It was like He was reminding me once again that He never changes. Everything I learned about Him through JD’s story still applies today.

He still loves me. He still cares when I hurt. He's still not threatened by my grief. His ways are still best. His timing is still best. He still gives us sorrow in order to instill empathy in us. He still wants us to be honest with Him. He still wants us to cry, but He doesn’t want us to whine. We’re still to take the comfort His Spirit gives us and comfort others with it. He still loves me. He still loves me. He still loves me…

Benjamin, when you see Jesus today, would you tell Him thank you for me? It turns out I really needed that reminder.

Dumb Dr. Seuss

For some reason, Gideon chose to read Happy Birthday to You! by Dr. Seuss the other night. He'd gotten Jason to read it to him the night before, and when Jason saw me starting it, he said, "Are you sure you should be reading that?" I wasn't sure what he meant, but I quickly found out. We both had to struggle to get through it, and the dumb book is officially "lost" for a long time now...

If we didn't have birthdays, you wouldn't be you.
If you'd never been born, well then what would you do?
If you'd never been born, well then what would you be?
You might be a fish! Or a toad on a tree!
You might be a doorknob! Or three baked potatoes!
You might be a bag full of hard green tomatoes.
Or worse than all that... Why you might be a WASN'T!
A Wasn't has no fun at all. No, he doesn't.
A Wasn't just isn't. He just isn't present.
But you... You ARE YOU! And, now isn't that pleasant!

...

If you'd never been born, then you might be an ISN'T!
An Isn't has no fun at all. No he disn't.
He never has birthdays, and that isn't pleasant.
You have to be born, or you don't get a present.

The Perfect Day

Dear Benjamin,

I heard a song on the radio today and thought of you. It's a song I've listened to a million times, but I just heard it today. You know how I was so looking forward to 10/10/10. The perfect day. The perfect baby. I was so confident that God was going to answer that prayer and be glorified in the process... Well, I'm still reconciling all of that in my mind, but today I got another thought to add to the mix of questions and what-ifs and whys...

The Perfect Day
by Josh Bates

Creation waits for Him to move.
The revelation of the truth,
Every eye will finally see.
The perfect day will come at last.
He will break the darkened glass.
With everyone on bended knee,
Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a hundred years.

The perfect day will come I know.
When I will dance around the throne.
With the angels, I will give Him praise.
I will finally get to meet the who made joy complete.
The perfect One on the perfect day.
I am waiting for the perfect day.

The world I know will pass away.
Only his love will remain.
All His work will then be done.
With his children gathered 'round,
They will make a joyful sound,
Giving glory to the risen Son.
I'm just a dreamer and I am dreaming of the day.

I will keep my eyes focused on the prize.
I will run to the One who has called me.
Each new day begins singing songs to Him, hallelujah.
You alone are holy. You alone are holy.

His presence sweeter than before,
I won't be crying anymore.
More of Him is all I need.

You alone are holy. You alone are holy. You alone are holy.
Jesus, You are holy. You alone are holy. You alone are holy. You alone are holy. You alone are holy. You alone are holy.
I am waiting for the perfect day.

It's like God reminded me once again that the only perfect day will be when I see HIM face to face. I know that in my head, of course. But my heart still wants my perfect day in October with my perfect baby.

Telling Gideon

Not knowing ahead of time the drama that could result from my hospital stay and all, Jason and I put off telling Gideon about the baby. All he knew was that he got to spend the night at Nana and Papa's house, and that was that.

But we couldn't put it off forever.

On Saturday, after everything had gone well and I was "back to normal," we knew it was time. So while Canaan was sleeping, we sat in the living room and gave each other glances that clearly said, "You do it!" ("No, YOU do it!") I almost opted for Rock, Paper, Scissors, but figured that would be slightly inappropriate at a time like this.

The conversation went something like this (Jason and I shared the load, but I can't remember who said what):

Hey, babe, Daddy and I need to tell you something. You know how Mommy had a baby in her tummy? Well, we went to the doctor and found out that the baby got really sick. And since he was so sick, Jesus decided to go ahead and take him to heaven early. So, we're not going to be able to bring a baby home in October like we thought.

[silence]

We found out the baby was a boy, and we named him Benjamin.

[silence]

Does this make you sad?

[shakes head no]

Well, Mommy and Daddy are a little sad. We were looking forward to having another baby. Of course there's still a good chance that God will give us another baby someday. We just have to keep praying and see what happens.

Gideon: "Then we'll get more toys?"

That made us laugh, and we let the conversation end so he could have time to process it all.

Just a few days later, right in the middle of getting himself dressed, he asked, "Mom, do you have a baby in your tummy?"

I said, "No, not anymore, honey? Our baby is in heaven now with Jesus. Remember?"

"No, Mom. I know that. I mean do you have a new baby in your tummy yet?"

No even four years old, and already he has faith.