A Little Escape

When I miscarried the first time, it happened to be during the same time that Gideon stopped nursing. Now, women can experience post-partum depression at about any stage during or after pregnancy, but I've read that when a child finally weans himself, the change in hormones for the mother can be a trigger for depression.

Needless to say, when Gideon was weaned and we learned that I'd miscarried all in a matter of a couple of weeks, it did not do well for my emotions.

I remember crying. A lot.

Then when we didn't get pregnant again as soon as we hoped, I desperately needed something, anything, to look forward to to help the whole depression thing go away.

I know I should be saying that I turned to Scripture 100% and prayed and fasted my way through it, but that wouldn't be the entire truth. Obviously, my faith in my wonderful, sovereign Father and the ways He's proved Himself Good over and over again were my primary help. Like 99% of it...

But we also decided to go to Disney World, and I gotta admit, that helped me too! :-)

So when we lost Benjamin, I told Jason in passing one day that I hoped I didn't get so depressed we'd have to go to Disney World again just to get me out of it.

Well, that's all I had to say and within a matter of weeks, (maybe even days?) we had another trip booked.


We just returned from spending nine days at Disney World, and all I can do is praise God for allowing us to go on such an amazing trip. It was so wonderful to spend all day with my boys, and to see their little eyes light up at the simplest things (getting photos taken with characters, rollercoasters, bus rides, fireworks!) was just the most amazing thing ever!

Of course, beneath the surface of the pixie dust and mouse ears, I thought about a lot while in the Magic Kingdom.

I thought about the first time that Jason and I went to Disney World - before we had kids - and how I watched all of the parents pushing around their worn out little kiddos in strollers and how I prayed that God would bless us with that same expereince someday. He did (and thank you!)

I thought about Benjamin, of course, and the truth that if he was still with us, I'd be at home on last-minute baby countdown mode awaiting his arrival instead of standing in line to see Buzz Lightyear. For some reason, God thought we should be here instead, so while I still don't understand it, I'll focus on the good that comes from the bad and thank Him for it.


And I thought about our other child, still in my tummy, unknown to us but fully known to God. And I thought about how even when I'm hugging Cinderella or riding the monorail or Soarin' over a virtual California landscape, God is there in it all - holding us both in His hands, knitting another little soul one divine stitch at a time.

And I really started to look forward to meeting our next little child...

Still Here

I've been pretty quiet the last few weeks, but that is typical of the first trimester for me. It was strange going from three months or so of feeling sick and exhausted, to having six weeks off, to going to another three months of feeling sick and exhausted again! I'm not complaining, but I will say I wouldn't want to do it again back-to-back like that.

I'm almost to the second trimester, and we still haven't make any blanket annoucements yet, but people are slowly beginning to find out we're expecting again. Apparently, my stomach did not get the memo on keeping things quiet and is giving me away pound by pound!

I'm enjoying the anticipation of fall, but with each day, I'm acutely aware that October 10th is getting closer and closer...

Special Request

So Gideon does not know that a baby is on the way, but lately he has had "baby fever!" He has asked me several times when I'm going to have another baby in my tummy, and I just tell him that it depends on when God blesses us with one. When I asked him why he wanted to know, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Because I want one!"

The funny part is that when I offer to pray for a baby during bedtime prayers, he insists that I pray for a baby sister instead of a baby brother!

So I asked him the other day, "Gideon, if God does give us a baby sister, what do you think we should name her?"

Gideon: "Uh... Kevin."

Hilarious, but NO! :-)

Finally Some Fun!

Dear Benjamin,

This weekend was Jennifer's wedding, and it ended up being a fabulous time! She was the last of us to be married, and to watch her and Kevyn together was just a sweet reminder of God's perfect timing in our lives. I had mixed emotions the whole time - sad knowing that I should be wearing that tent-like size 14 dress because I should be six months pregnant with you by now, but still glad that I was able to wear the official bridesmaid dress instead (it was much more flattering!).

I found it ironic that after all the drama of the last few months, I still ended up being pregnant in her wedding, but I still didn't say anything because I didn't want to take away from her moment in the spotlight. Instead, I had her photographer take a secret picture of me holding up a sign that said, "Due March, 2011." I figured by the time she gets her wedding photos in several weeks, it will be just about the time I'm ready to share our news, so it will be a fun way for her to find out.

All in all, the weekend was fabulous, and while you were always in my heart and in my mind (after all, you should have been there), I still had a great time!


Another strange blessing came on Sunday. We stayed in the Dallas area for an extra night in order to meet up with family the next day. I saw relatives I hadn't seen in decades, and it melted my heart to see them again after so much time.

But while were were looking through (very) old family photos, I realized that Benjamin is somewhat of a family name. It was my great-great (I think) grandfather's name as well as a few others through the generations. I had no idea when we chose your name that there was some family ties to it, but it was a special blessing to discover.

I'm still thinking about you all the time, but I'm finding myself smiling a lot as well...

Love,
Mommy

Great Expectations

As I suspected (because of my crazy dreams), and much to our surprise, we are expecting another baby again! I definitely did not expect it to happen again so soon, but since when do I understand God's timing anymore! :-)

Things are a little different this time around. We have joy, of course, but we're a little reserved in expressing it, and I think we'll wait as long as possible to share the news.

We've been to the doctor, and he doesn't have any reason to think we should encounter any problems. And so far, all is going well. So for now, it's another round of morning sickness and expanding wastelines, and I will endure/enjoy it for as long as God allows me to.

God willing, our precious little one will arrive in March, and I pray, not a day too soon!

Moving Forward

Dear Benjamin,

Today I bought a pregnancy test.

Scratch that. Today I bought four pregnancy tests. (The 99 cent Store; it's a great thing!)

I've been pregnant enough times to recognize the early signs, and for me one of the first tell-tale signs of being with child is a slew of crazy, memorable, over-the-top, ultra-realistic dreams.

A lately, I've had some doozies.

So I went shopping, loaded up my basket with cheap, but always accurate, pregnancy tests, and will put them up until I can use them sometime next week.

But here's thing. I'm not quite sure how I feel about being pregnant again. Being pregnant means anticipating the birth of your child. It means planning for his or her future. It means getting the family prepared for a new addition.

It means looking forward, and to be honest, I'm not quite finished looking back yet.

A huge part of me is still holding on to your future and anticipating October even though I know you won't be here to spend it with us. I want you to be remembered. I don't want to jump so quickly into the anticipation of our next child that you are forgotten before we've even memorialized you.

It makes me feel like I'm at the airport and the voice over the loud speakers is calling, "Last chance for boarding. All remaining passengers must board NOW!" and I haven't gotten a chance to say goodbye yet.

And I don't want to say goodbye yet.

I'm just not ready for goodbye yet.

Most of the time, we get frustrated with God's timing because He seems to be taking longer than we'd like. For the first time, it feels as if He's a little early.

But, intellectually I know that God is neither late nor early, so if He has chosen to bless us with a child once again, I know full well that the timing is perfect and I will praise Him wholeheartedly. And I know that someday soon I will see snippets of His perfect plan and how all of this has unfolded as it has for a reason.

Maybe I do have to move forward a little sooner than I expected. But that doesn't mean I have to say goodbye.

It simply means I'll be glancing in the rear-view mirror a lot as I go.

Salt in the Wounds

I've learned a lot over the past few weeks about the medical billing world, and none of it is very pretty. It all started when I received a lovely little letter from our insurance company regarding my hospital stay and Benjamin's delivery. It said:

Based on our review, this service or supply is not approved because it does not satisfy the criteria for establishing medical necessity and appropriateness... No benefits will be provided...

Translation: You're about to owe over $10,000 in medical bills for delivering a child you didn't even get to keep.

Now, I know that I had the option of staying home and going through the entire, um, process, alone, but after having been there, done that, I can assure you, every bit of my time at the wonderful St. John's hospital was medically necessary. I guess if I were one of those women who opt for no pain meds, no epidural, water births, or whatever, maybe I could have pulled it off. But then again, remember the whole possibility of "uterine rupture" or "necessary C-section?" I don't know that Jason and I could have handled that by ourselves in our living room.

So, I called the insurance company, hormonally poised to shake someone silly through the phone lines, when I was dealt with yet another blow. The helpful agent explained to me: "This procedure is not covered because your medical records indicate that you had an abortion."

Excuse me, what!?

I quickly and emphatically explained to her what really happened, you know, the ultrasound that rocked the world. And that's when she explained further: "I'm so sorry that happened. But unfortunately, the medical codes are the same for a miscarriage as they are for an abortion. All the code says is that a pregnancy was terminated. It does not distinguish whether the termination was voluntary or involuntary."

I'm sorry, but I'm just a little bit floored that in the decades of modern medicine, no one thought to distinguish between two such drastically different circumstances. I wanted to insist someone from claims call up Nurse Cameron and let her explain the midnight duet between the Doppler machine and my stomach that medically confirmed - for the third time - that our child was not "aborted" in the typical sense of the word. Did his life end abruptly while still in the womb? Yes. But his days were numbered by God Himself, and it just so happened that that number was very small.

I'm not worried about the financial aspect of it all. To be honest, I know that if God can handle the people at David's Bridal and protect me from having to buy bridesmaids dresses in bulk, then He can more than handle a little medical claim gone askew. It's just the principle of it all. Because of this stupid glitch in the world of medical billing, the burden is on me to provide my entire medical record to my insurance company in order to reopen the claim and have the insurance applied.

That, and now it's "out there" that I've had an abortion, even if it isn't true.

I remember reading Sarah Palin's memoir, Going Rogue, in which she tells that she went through something very similar. When running for Vice President with a Pro-Life platform, someone somewhere dug up her medical records and reported that this Pro-Life candidate had had an abortion in her past.

Not true.

Like me, she'd experienced a miscarriage, and like me, the medical coding associated with it did not distinguish between a voluntary termination of a pregnancy or an involuntary termination. On paper, the pregnancy was "aborted" and the details associated with it were buried beneath the codes.

It makes me sick and it makes me mad that somewhere out there someone could argue the same against me. In those circumstances, the truth usually does come out loud and clear, but it's like printing a retraction on the bottom of the last page of the newspaper; the damage is already done.

I don't like having my name associated with an "abortion" even if it is a medical term and even if it is synonymous with miscarriage. I have many, many friends who have had abortions, and I know the pain and regret they have had to work through. It's not that abortion is unforgivable or that it's any more heinous than any of the awful things I actually have done; it's just that I don't want anyone anywhere to ever have reason to think that I didn't want my sweet Benjamin.