Today I bought a pregnancy test.
Scratch that. Today I bought four pregnancy tests. (The 99 cent Store; it's a great thing!)
I've been pregnant enough times to recognize the early signs, and for me one of the first tell-tale signs of being with child is a slew of crazy, memorable, over-the-top, ultra-realistic dreams.
A lately, I've had some doozies.
So I went shopping, loaded up my basket with cheap, but always accurate, pregnancy tests, and will put them up until I can use them sometime next week.
But here's thing. I'm not quite sure how I feel about being pregnant again. Being pregnant means anticipating the birth of your child. It means planning for his or her future. It means getting the family prepared for a new addition.
It means looking forward, and to be honest, I'm not quite finished looking back yet.
A huge part of me is still holding on to your future and anticipating October even though I know you won't be here to spend it with us. I want you to be remembered. I don't want to jump so quickly into the anticipation of our next child that you are forgotten before we've even memorialized you.
It makes me feel like I'm at the airport and the voice over the loud speakers is calling, "Last chance for boarding. All remaining passengers must board NOW!" and I haven't gotten a chance to say goodbye yet.
And I don't want to say goodbye yet.
I'm just not ready for goodbye yet.
Most of the time, we get frustrated with God's timing because He seems to be taking longer than we'd like. For the first time, it feels as if He's a little early.
But, intellectually I know that God is neither late nor early, so if He has chosen to bless us with a child once again, I know full well that the timing is perfect and I will praise Him wholeheartedly. And I know that someday soon I will see snippets of His perfect plan and how all of this has unfolded as it has for a reason.
Maybe I do have to move forward a little sooner than I expected. But that doesn't mean I have to say goodbye.
It simply means I'll be glancing in the rear-view mirror a lot as I go.
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