Rhonda's Dream

A week or so before I learned that we lost Benjamin, my friend Rhonda had a dream about me. (Yes, this is the same Rhonda who God has used to bless me so many times before.) She told me about the dream when she first learned what had happened, and she said that she even wrote about it in her journal. So today, she finally sent me her journal entry:

Emily was playing in a river. There was unspeakable joy. The river was made of water that was like diamonds, and she was throwing the water up and it was like diamonds were sparkling in the air. There was a music, but it was not really audible, like it was coming from our hearts. The whole place was singing, and she was dancing to the music in this river.

All of the sudden a dark cloud came and it was full of thunder and lightening and it was threatening to overtake the atmosphere...I saw a look on her face that was fearful and also confused, like she did not know what to think about what was happening. Why would this storm cloud come and invade such a beautiful place? All of the sudden a look of clarity and determination came over her and she decided to start dancing again in the river (how like Emily)...The cloud was still there and had cast a shadow over the whole place, but it was like she was not going to let it take away the joy that she had from the beginning... I don't know if I should tell Emily about this or not, please help me to know LORD.

It turns out, my storm clouds came before she had to worry about whether to tell me about her dream or not. So when she shared with me that she saw me dancing in the midst of my storm, it really touched me, and I immediately had hope. It challenged me, somehow. Challenged me to dance and not drown.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I firmly believe that one of the main reasons why God allows us to go through grief is so that we may have empathy for others who experience grief as well. Grief leads to ministry. After my last miscarriage, I'll be honest, I tried to skip over the grief and jump straight into the ministry aspect of it all. Bad idea. This time, I'm going to allow this grief to be what it is for as long as necessary. I'm sad. I'm not over it. I'm not ready to move on yet. But someday I will.

Someday, I'll dance.

Charmed

Dear Benjamin,

A couple of weeks ago, Sarah asked if we could meet for supper soon because she had something for me. So this evening, the boys and I met Sarah and Cameron at the Chick-fil-A in Pearland. After supper, she gave me this: A beautiful charm from James Avery. And it wasn't just from her; it was from all of the girls - Robin, Jen, and Jennifer as well.

I had several waves of emotion sweep over me at once. The first wave - that the gift was from all of them. I was so blessed and so thankful for my friends who care enough to talk behind my back in order to come up with the perfect way to show how much they care.

The second wave - that the gift was a charm. Benjamin, you may never know this about me, but I love charms! I'm the type of person who likes to pick out jewelry based on the meaning behind it rather than the price tag, and charms are a great way to get unique, but meaningful jewelry. My favorite charms are the birthstone charms that Daddy gave me to mark Gideon and Canaan's birthdays and my tambourine charm that I have because of Jephthah's daughter. My charms remind me of God's blessings, God's lessons, or a combination of the two. So, it was already in my mind to find the perfect charm to remember the short weeks I spent carrying you inside of me, but I just haven't gotten around to it yet. So when I saw that the girls bought me a charm, once again, I was blown away by God's faithfulness. He knew what I needed, and He provided it for me without me even having to ask.

The third wave hit me when Sarah explained why they chose that particular charm. "We know that you'll never forget Benjamin and that he will always be in your heart. Well, we just want to assure you that he'll always be in ours as well, and we won't forget him either."

Of course that's been my very prayer. That you won't be forgotten.

I put the charm on a necklace, and I love thinking of you every time I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror. Please tell God thank you for me for giving me such wonderful friends and for using their arms to let me feel His love.

A Grief Observed

Dear Benjamin,

Yesterday at church, my friend Rhonda gave me a little Mother's Day gift because she knew it would be a difficult day. I was very touched, but I didn't open the gift bag yet because class was starting.

Later, while Rhonda was teaching, for some reason I kept thinking that I needed to go to the library and check out A Grief Observed by CS Lewis. I've always wanted to read it, but never have, and I thought now was as good a time as any.

When class was over, I headed downstairs to the library to search for the book. However, as I looked in the windows the library was packed full of people, there was a long line, and I realized I just didn't want to face the crowds. Instead I just wanted to get to my seat in the worship center as quick as possible and not talk to anyone. The book, I decided, could wait another week.

When I got to my seat, Daddy was already sitting down, and he asked what was in the bag. I said, "I don't know. It's from Rhonda." Then, I opened it and found inside a copy of A Grief Observed! The first words out of my mouth were, "Oh my goodness, that girl is freaking me out!" Daddy asked why, and I said, "It's like she is inside my head!" and told him about the book. I was cracking up!

With the book was also a sweet little baby bonnet crocheted in soft purple yarn. Rhonda explained that she received the bonnet when her daughter, Hope, was born. The hospital gave it to her because Hope had to remain in the hospital for awhile after birth and Rhonda had to go home without her.

It is really amazing how often God has used Rhonda to answer my specific prayers and meet my specific needs, and to be quite honest, it really is kind of freaky sometimes! But, like I told her, it's freaky in a good way.

Later, when I emailed Rhonda to tell her thank you, she wrote back: "That is so funny about the book because I was not planning on sending that and had even forgotten that I had it. But once I got the other stuff in the bag, it felt like something was missing so I said, 'What is it God? Help me find it quick.' And I went to my book shelf and there it was."

Once again, God is providing what I need before I even know that I need it.

Mother's Day

Dear Benjamin,

For twenty-three years now, I have had a love/hate relationship with Mother’s Day. It can be a fun, amazing day celebrating the miraculous gift that God gives us in our moms, but there are also times it can be a day that rips at your heart and causes a pain that is so deep and so real, you just want to go into a complete state of numbness until the wretched day is over. I’ve felt both ends of the spectrum.

Mother’s Day, 1986
I had no idea that it would be my last Mother’s Day with my own mom so I have absolutely no memories at all. But just recently I found a photo from that day. We were at a restaurant and I guess the waiter took a picture of us as part of the “Mother’s Day Special.” It was one of those old-fashioned Polaroid pictures that you have to shake to make it come into view. Mom was sitting behind the table and Meghan, Jesse, and I had gathered beside her.

I think she was wearing a blue dress.

When I found the photo, I smiled because it was a cute picture and I could tell that we must have just come from church because we were all dressed up. Then I saw, “Mother’s Day, 1986” scratched in pen along the bottom and that’s when I fell apart.

I wanted to step into that picture and grab the 10-year-old girl with big hair and big glasses and shake some sense into her. “Hug her tighter!” I wanted to scream. “Don’t you know that this is it? It may be a silly little Hallmark-initiated day, but this is the last chance you’ll have to wish her a happy Mother’s Day. Just hug her tighter, tell her you love her like you mean it, and don’t be so quick to get back to your chips and queso!”

But I couldn’t reason with the naïve girl in the picture, so I just cried instead.

Mother’s Day, 2006 – thirty years later
It was my first Mother’s Day as a mom myself because I was pregnant with your older brother, Gideon. When they asked all the moms to stand up at church, I stood and was never prouder to stick out my big huge belly than at that moment!

Mother’s Day, 2007
This was my first Mother’s Day as a mother-in-action and not just by name only. It was by far the most wonderful Mother’s Day in my entire life! Daddy took me and Gideon to a park in League City the week before and spent the day taking pictures of the two of us together. Then he gave me the photos and a tote-bag with one of the photos for Mother’s Day. I remember being very surprised that I had turned into one of those women who loves to get cheesy gifts about or from her children, but I really did cherish those photos as if they were worth more than the Hope Diamond itself!

And for the first time in years, Mother’s Day felt more like a day of celebration than it did a day of remembrance.

Mother’s Day, 2008
What a difference a year makes. I became pregnant sometime in August of that year and found out just a few days before Gideon’s first birthday. We were happy, of course, but I was especially ecstatic because of the projected due date of our second child. He/she was due in mid-May, but because of the past c-section, I knew the chances for a 5/7/08 baby were very high. Oh, how I wanted our child to be born on that day and I knew that God had divinely orchestrated it for a special purpose. You see, May 7th was my own mom’s birthday, and this year, she would have been 60! I was so thrilled to get to honor her in such an awesome way and couldn’t wait to find out what we were having. I was sure it would be a girl this time.

However, just a couple of weeks later, I miscarried, and the child I though I’d bring into this world on my Mother’s birthday was already in Heaven with her.

And as it turned out, when 5/7/08 finally came, I ended up mourning the loss of four generations of women in my life.

My mom, who would have been 60.

My unborn sister, who died when she did since Mom was five months pregnant when she died.

My (daughter?), who should have been born that day.

And my grandma, MeeMaw, who was in the hospital and on the last hours of her life. She died the next day.

Four generations of loss all culminating into that one, awful Mother’s Day week.

But, as God so faithfully does, he quickly began to take the scales from my eyes so I could see how He was working behind the scenes. First, I realized as I sat in the funeral for my sweet MeeMaw on Mother’s Day afternoon that had I just had our child like I should have, there would have been a chance of being too sick or sore to attend MeeMaw’s funeral. I might have missed it.

Don’t get me wrong. If given the choice I would choose without hesitation bringing a child into the world over attending a funeral any day, but as it were, I’m glad I got to be there.

Secondly, despite the fact that I was physically feeling the pain of losing all of these people, I was surprisingly calm. I couldn’t figure it out, but somehow I could tell God was taking some of my burden and placing it onto Himself (sounds just like Him, doesn’t it!)

It had been about eight months since the miscarriage and we still were not yet pregnant again. As per tradition, Brother John has a special prayer time on Mother’s Day for all of the couples who are struggling with infertility. At the last minute, your Daddy grabbed my hand and we stood up along with all of the other couples who were desperately wanting children.

I learned later that I was already pregnant with your brother, Canaan, and just didn’t know it at that time. And when I get pregnant, my emotions typically level out. And when my emotions level out, I don’t cry as much… And you can see how God prepared me in advance for what He knew I was going to have to endure during that Mother's Day week. So though the week was full of more downs than ups, God got me through it, and had already answered our prayer for another child in giving us Canaan.

Mother’s Day, 2009
Another great Mother’s Day. Now I had two little boys to take pictures with and enjoy on Mother’s Day. I remember being happy once again, but most of all, being very, very thankful.

Mother’s Day, 2010
The love/hate relationship rears its ugly head once again, and if I’ve ever wanted to skip over a holiday before, it is this one.

Benjamin, you should be here with me to celebrate. That’s all there is to it.

Until 11 days ago, my main concern about this Mother’s Day was that we wouldn’t be able to find out if we were having a boy or a girl in time to tell everyone on Mother’s Day.

Oh, how I wish that were the worst that had happened.

Instead, my body still looks like it’s carrying a child, but my tummy is empty. That, and I can’t stop thinking about Heaven.

I’m thinking about you and your (sister?) and wondering if you are together. How does it work when a child goes to heaven? I’ve heard that a baby would get the new glorified body of baby, but I don’t know if that’s true or not. And if it is, then what about you? You were only 4 inches long and your (sister?) was not even developed enough to have a heartbeat. What do you look like now???

And more importantly, will I recognize you when I get there?

Have you met my unborn sister (your Aunt) and your grandma Linda (my mom)? Are you all together? Do you share a mansion?

I know you’re with Jesus now and in my finite mind I cannot grasp how wonderful it really is for you. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of it and I think I know. But I don’t really know.

Because if I really “got it” I wouldn’t wonder what I’m wondering now. My biggest questions on Mother’s Day…

Do you miss me?

Do you even know about me?

Gideon’s eyes. Canaan’s smile. That’s what I need to focus on today. I miss you, but I know I am blessed. I may have two babies in heaven, but I also have two right here as well. And for now, I Must. Go. Hug. Them. Now!

Ugh. Why isn’t this day over yet?

David's Bridal

Dear Benjamin,

I was dreading going to David's Bridal tonight. Jennifer's wedding is in July and I'm her matron of honor. When she picked out bridesmaids dresses several months ago, I tried on the official dress, and the 6 fit perfectly. Well, after becoming pregnant, I tried on dresses again, and after only gaining THREE pounds, the 6, 8, and even the 10 didn't fit at all! So, Jennifer was gracious enough to let me order a different, much more forgiving, style dress for her wedding and I ended up ordering an empire waist, size 14 dress in order to fit my ever-growing, 6-month pregnant figure come July.

Then, I lost you.

And strangely enough, one of my first concerns was, "What am I going to do about this dumb dress situation now?!"

I've run into some snooty people at bridal shops before, and their policy clearly states no refunds or exchanges for ANY reason. I was petrified that I was going to end up with a $150 size 14 tent-like dress and then have to pay for another $150 dress on top of that.

So I prayed. I prayed really hard. I prayed that somehow the ladies at David's Bridal would show me mercy and exchange the dress without giving me an attitude, and I prayed that I wouldn't have to come behind the counter and pound some 21-year-old, 100-lb sales consultant for being unreasonable to a woman still dealing with the remnants of pregnancy hormones.

Then I called your Daddy and told him that if I wound up on the 10 o'clock news, I was sorry.

When I got to the store, I went to the girl sitting behind the welcome desk and told her my situation. "Is there anyway I can do an exchange given the circumstances?"

She seemed to blink back tears as she said, "Absolutely! That's no problem at all." My shoulders lightened by tons and I was already thanking God. Then the girl stood up and I could see that she was about seven or eight months pregnant herself.

I know it was no coincidence. God put the exact right person in my path to help me and answer my prayers.

I exchanged the old dress for the new one, didn't have to pay a dime extra, and most miraculously of all (since I haven't yet lost that much weight), is that the 6 once again fit me perfectly.

He is the same

Dear Benjamin,

Today was a tough day. Perhaps it is that Mother’s Day is just three days away, or maybe I'm still fuming over the dumb Dr. Seuss encounter, but whatever the reason, I’m missing you like crazy today.

I’ve been on a “read the Bible in a year” plan, which has now taken me almost three years to complete. But in the spirit of optimism, I’m already looking forward to next year because I have a brand new one-year Bible and plan to read out of that one rather than my normal study Bible.

For some reason, I got the urge to crack open my one-year Bible today and see what passage it had set aside for April 30, the day you were born.

I flipped it open, found the date, and couldn’t believe what followed:

Judges 11.

The story of Jephthah’s Daughter. My favorite Bible story ever, and the one that God used to show me so much of Himself that I had to go and write a book about it.

And it shows up on April 30.

I am amazed at how much our God cares about us. That was such a sweet gift and I was so grateful to find it. It was like He was reminding me once again that He never changes. Everything I learned about Him through JD’s story still applies today.

He still loves me. He still cares when I hurt. He's still not threatened by my grief. His ways are still best. His timing is still best. He still gives us sorrow in order to instill empathy in us. He still wants us to be honest with Him. He still wants us to cry, but He doesn’t want us to whine. We’re still to take the comfort His Spirit gives us and comfort others with it. He still loves me. He still loves me. He still loves me…

Benjamin, when you see Jesus today, would you tell Him thank you for me? It turns out I really needed that reminder.

Dumb Dr. Seuss

For some reason, Gideon chose to read Happy Birthday to You! by Dr. Seuss the other night. He'd gotten Jason to read it to him the night before, and when Jason saw me starting it, he said, "Are you sure you should be reading that?" I wasn't sure what he meant, but I quickly found out. We both had to struggle to get through it, and the dumb book is officially "lost" for a long time now...

If we didn't have birthdays, you wouldn't be you.
If you'd never been born, well then what would you do?
If you'd never been born, well then what would you be?
You might be a fish! Or a toad on a tree!
You might be a doorknob! Or three baked potatoes!
You might be a bag full of hard green tomatoes.
Or worse than all that... Why you might be a WASN'T!
A Wasn't has no fun at all. No, he doesn't.
A Wasn't just isn't. He just isn't present.
But you... You ARE YOU! And, now isn't that pleasant!

...

If you'd never been born, then you might be an ISN'T!
An Isn't has no fun at all. No he disn't.
He never has birthdays, and that isn't pleasant.
You have to be born, or you don't get a present.

The Perfect Day

Dear Benjamin,

I heard a song on the radio today and thought of you. It's a song I've listened to a million times, but I just heard it today. You know how I was so looking forward to 10/10/10. The perfect day. The perfect baby. I was so confident that God was going to answer that prayer and be glorified in the process... Well, I'm still reconciling all of that in my mind, but today I got another thought to add to the mix of questions and what-ifs and whys...

The Perfect Day
by Josh Bates

Creation waits for Him to move.
The revelation of the truth,
Every eye will finally see.
The perfect day will come at last.
He will break the darkened glass.
With everyone on bended knee,
Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a hundred years.

The perfect day will come I know.
When I will dance around the throne.
With the angels, I will give Him praise.
I will finally get to meet the who made joy complete.
The perfect One on the perfect day.
I am waiting for the perfect day.

The world I know will pass away.
Only his love will remain.
All His work will then be done.
With his children gathered 'round,
They will make a joyful sound,
Giving glory to the risen Son.
I'm just a dreamer and I am dreaming of the day.

I will keep my eyes focused on the prize.
I will run to the One who has called me.
Each new day begins singing songs to Him, hallelujah.
You alone are holy. You alone are holy.

His presence sweeter than before,
I won't be crying anymore.
More of Him is all I need.

You alone are holy. You alone are holy. You alone are holy.
Jesus, You are holy. You alone are holy. You alone are holy. You alone are holy. You alone are holy. You alone are holy.
I am waiting for the perfect day.

It's like God reminded me once again that the only perfect day will be when I see HIM face to face. I know that in my head, of course. But my heart still wants my perfect day in October with my perfect baby.

Telling Gideon

Not knowing ahead of time the drama that could result from my hospital stay and all, Jason and I put off telling Gideon about the baby. All he knew was that he got to spend the night at Nana and Papa's house, and that was that.

But we couldn't put it off forever.

On Saturday, after everything had gone well and I was "back to normal," we knew it was time. So while Canaan was sleeping, we sat in the living room and gave each other glances that clearly said, "You do it!" ("No, YOU do it!") I almost opted for Rock, Paper, Scissors, but figured that would be slightly inappropriate at a time like this.

The conversation went something like this (Jason and I shared the load, but I can't remember who said what):

Hey, babe, Daddy and I need to tell you something. You know how Mommy had a baby in her tummy? Well, we went to the doctor and found out that the baby got really sick. And since he was so sick, Jesus decided to go ahead and take him to heaven early. So, we're not going to be able to bring a baby home in October like we thought.

[silence]

We found out the baby was a boy, and we named him Benjamin.

[silence]

Does this make you sad?

[shakes head no]

Well, Mommy and Daddy are a little sad. We were looking forward to having another baby. Of course there's still a good chance that God will give us another baby someday. We just have to keep praying and see what happens.

Gideon: "Then we'll get more toys?"

That made us laugh, and we let the conversation end so he could have time to process it all.

Just a few days later, right in the middle of getting himself dressed, he asked, "Mom, do you have a baby in your tummy?"

I said, "No, not anymore, honey? Our baby is in heaven now with Jesus. Remember?"

"No, Mom. I know that. I mean do you have a new baby in your tummy yet?"

No even four years old, and already he has faith.

Walking

At 15 1/2 months old, Canaan finally chose today to start walking!

He took to the whole experience quite differently than Gideon did. Gideon took his first steps well before his first birthday, then spent months shuffling about a few steps at a time before he finally took to the whole walking thing fully at around 13 months or so.

Canaan just didn't walk at all. No first steps. No shuffling about. No inching away from the furniture. Just standing, falling, crawling.

Until today.

And - blastoff!

Still in his pjs, he got in the middle of the living room floor and stood up slowly rear first until he finally got steady. Then, he just took off. When we started saying, "Go! Go! Go!" to encourage him, he started saying it as well. "G-G-G!" he'd shout. He was cracking himself up, and each time he fell, he'd laugh, get to the middle of the floor again, stand up and start all over.

I honestly think he enjoyed falling as much as he enjoyed walking.

It was one of the funniest mornings ever! I sat on the couch, still recovering from yesterday, just laughing and loving my sweet boys. And while I was missing Benjamin with each and every breath, I was also so thankful that God had saved this precious milestone for today. A day when I needed so desperately to smile. A day when I needed to laugh.

Canaan has always been my little silly boy - always laughing, acting silly, not caring what anyone else thinks. I have a feeling this won't be the last time he makes me laugh when I need it so much. He is such a blessing. And to think, had I not had my first miscarriage, I wouldn't have my Canaan. What a blessing. What a strange, twisted, awesome blessing.