Mother's Day

Dear Benjamin,

For twenty-three years now, I have had a love/hate relationship with Mother’s Day. It can be a fun, amazing day celebrating the miraculous gift that God gives us in our moms, but there are also times it can be a day that rips at your heart and causes a pain that is so deep and so real, you just want to go into a complete state of numbness until the wretched day is over. I’ve felt both ends of the spectrum.

Mother’s Day, 1986
I had no idea that it would be my last Mother’s Day with my own mom so I have absolutely no memories at all. But just recently I found a photo from that day. We were at a restaurant and I guess the waiter took a picture of us as part of the “Mother’s Day Special.” It was one of those old-fashioned Polaroid pictures that you have to shake to make it come into view. Mom was sitting behind the table and Meghan, Jesse, and I had gathered beside her.

I think she was wearing a blue dress.

When I found the photo, I smiled because it was a cute picture and I could tell that we must have just come from church because we were all dressed up. Then I saw, “Mother’s Day, 1986” scratched in pen along the bottom and that’s when I fell apart.

I wanted to step into that picture and grab the 10-year-old girl with big hair and big glasses and shake some sense into her. “Hug her tighter!” I wanted to scream. “Don’t you know that this is it? It may be a silly little Hallmark-initiated day, but this is the last chance you’ll have to wish her a happy Mother’s Day. Just hug her tighter, tell her you love her like you mean it, and don’t be so quick to get back to your chips and queso!”

But I couldn’t reason with the naïve girl in the picture, so I just cried instead.

Mother’s Day, 2006 – thirty years later
It was my first Mother’s Day as a mom myself because I was pregnant with your older brother, Gideon. When they asked all the moms to stand up at church, I stood and was never prouder to stick out my big huge belly than at that moment!

Mother’s Day, 2007
This was my first Mother’s Day as a mother-in-action and not just by name only. It was by far the most wonderful Mother’s Day in my entire life! Daddy took me and Gideon to a park in League City the week before and spent the day taking pictures of the two of us together. Then he gave me the photos and a tote-bag with one of the photos for Mother’s Day. I remember being very surprised that I had turned into one of those women who loves to get cheesy gifts about or from her children, but I really did cherish those photos as if they were worth more than the Hope Diamond itself!

And for the first time in years, Mother’s Day felt more like a day of celebration than it did a day of remembrance.

Mother’s Day, 2008
What a difference a year makes. I became pregnant sometime in August of that year and found out just a few days before Gideon’s first birthday. We were happy, of course, but I was especially ecstatic because of the projected due date of our second child. He/she was due in mid-May, but because of the past c-section, I knew the chances for a 5/7/08 baby were very high. Oh, how I wanted our child to be born on that day and I knew that God had divinely orchestrated it for a special purpose. You see, May 7th was my own mom’s birthday, and this year, she would have been 60! I was so thrilled to get to honor her in such an awesome way and couldn’t wait to find out what we were having. I was sure it would be a girl this time.

However, just a couple of weeks later, I miscarried, and the child I though I’d bring into this world on my Mother’s birthday was already in Heaven with her.

And as it turned out, when 5/7/08 finally came, I ended up mourning the loss of four generations of women in my life.

My mom, who would have been 60.

My unborn sister, who died when she did since Mom was five months pregnant when she died.

My (daughter?), who should have been born that day.

And my grandma, MeeMaw, who was in the hospital and on the last hours of her life. She died the next day.

Four generations of loss all culminating into that one, awful Mother’s Day week.

But, as God so faithfully does, he quickly began to take the scales from my eyes so I could see how He was working behind the scenes. First, I realized as I sat in the funeral for my sweet MeeMaw on Mother’s Day afternoon that had I just had our child like I should have, there would have been a chance of being too sick or sore to attend MeeMaw’s funeral. I might have missed it.

Don’t get me wrong. If given the choice I would choose without hesitation bringing a child into the world over attending a funeral any day, but as it were, I’m glad I got to be there.

Secondly, despite the fact that I was physically feeling the pain of losing all of these people, I was surprisingly calm. I couldn’t figure it out, but somehow I could tell God was taking some of my burden and placing it onto Himself (sounds just like Him, doesn’t it!)

It had been about eight months since the miscarriage and we still were not yet pregnant again. As per tradition, Brother John has a special prayer time on Mother’s Day for all of the couples who are struggling with infertility. At the last minute, your Daddy grabbed my hand and we stood up along with all of the other couples who were desperately wanting children.

I learned later that I was already pregnant with your brother, Canaan, and just didn’t know it at that time. And when I get pregnant, my emotions typically level out. And when my emotions level out, I don’t cry as much… And you can see how God prepared me in advance for what He knew I was going to have to endure during that Mother's Day week. So though the week was full of more downs than ups, God got me through it, and had already answered our prayer for another child in giving us Canaan.

Mother’s Day, 2009
Another great Mother’s Day. Now I had two little boys to take pictures with and enjoy on Mother’s Day. I remember being happy once again, but most of all, being very, very thankful.

Mother’s Day, 2010
The love/hate relationship rears its ugly head once again, and if I’ve ever wanted to skip over a holiday before, it is this one.

Benjamin, you should be here with me to celebrate. That’s all there is to it.

Until 11 days ago, my main concern about this Mother’s Day was that we wouldn’t be able to find out if we were having a boy or a girl in time to tell everyone on Mother’s Day.

Oh, how I wish that were the worst that had happened.

Instead, my body still looks like it’s carrying a child, but my tummy is empty. That, and I can’t stop thinking about Heaven.

I’m thinking about you and your (sister?) and wondering if you are together. How does it work when a child goes to heaven? I’ve heard that a baby would get the new glorified body of baby, but I don’t know if that’s true or not. And if it is, then what about you? You were only 4 inches long and your (sister?) was not even developed enough to have a heartbeat. What do you look like now???

And more importantly, will I recognize you when I get there?

Have you met my unborn sister (your Aunt) and your grandma Linda (my mom)? Are you all together? Do you share a mansion?

I know you’re with Jesus now and in my finite mind I cannot grasp how wonderful it really is for you. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of it and I think I know. But I don’t really know.

Because if I really “got it” I wouldn’t wonder what I’m wondering now. My biggest questions on Mother’s Day…

Do you miss me?

Do you even know about me?

Gideon’s eyes. Canaan’s smile. That’s what I need to focus on today. I miss you, but I know I am blessed. I may have two babies in heaven, but I also have two right here as well. And for now, I Must. Go. Hug. Them. Now!

Ugh. Why isn’t this day over yet?