The Appointment

Dear Little One,

It started out as a very normal day. I dropped your brothers off at Grandma's house and then worked through lunch so I'd be able to leave at 1 for my 16-week checkup at Dr. Nguyen's office.

Your Daddy called me a few times that morning because he did not know if he would be able to come with me to the appointment or not. His friend, Bruce Brown, is in the hospital with a brain tumor and I believe they are going to operate soon. Daddy really wanted to visit him, but it looked like the only time he could go would be the same time as my appointment. I told him he should definitely go see Bruce. I wanted him to go see him; it was important. Besides, the appointment wasn't going to be a big deal. It was just a routine checkup to listen to your heartbeat, check my weight, and send me on my merry way.

Well, your Daddy has never missed a prenatal appointment yet, so he wasn't so sure about starting now. He said, "Are you sure it's going to be routine? You haven't had any problems that you haven't told me about, have you?" I assured him all was completely fine, there were absolutely no signs of any trouble, and the only thing I wanted to talk to the doctor about was getting a prescription for my nausea that for some reason hasn't subsided yet. He finally agreed and we left it at that.

Five minutes before I was going to leave, Daddy called me back and said it turns out, now wasn't a good time for Bruce to have visitors, so he'd go ahead and pick me up for my appointment.

God obviously had a HUGE, BIG, DIVINE hand in that one.

When Dr. Nguyen put the Dopplar to my tummy to listen for your heart, he just moved it around for a few seconds before suggesting we go to the ultrasound room. Your Daddy and I smiled at each other. We were going to get a sneak peak at you, just like we did last month, only this time we were hoping we'd be able to tell if you were a girl or boy. We were excited that we might get to know a few weeks earlier than expected.

We laughed and joked with Dr. Nguyen as we went to the room. All was happy and light and fun and no one was the wiser.

Then... your image appeared on screen.

And I knew.

You weren't moving. Baby, why aren't you moving? Mommy wants you to move!

And even though I knew, I still asked, "Is it moving?!"

Silence.

Dr. Nguyen pushed and poked and moved the magic little wand all over my belly, but you still never moved. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he put his hand on my knee and said, "Emily, I am so sorry, but I'm not finding a heartbeat."

And even though I knew, I cried when I heard him say it.

You were gone.