Leaving

Thankfully, the "best case scenario" is what ended up playing out. Natural delivery. No D&C needed. No C-section needed. No uterine damage at all.

And I find it ironic that in the short amount of time Benjamin was with us, he was still able to give me a special little gift that neither of my other boys could - a natural delivery.

A painless natural delivery, at that!

It's always been so strange to be wheeled into an operating room, put to sleep from the waist down, and lie there while someone else delivers your child into the world without so much as a sneeze from you.

With Benjamin, at least I felt like I was involved somehow.

Jason and I fell back asleep until morning when we got to see Benjamin one last time. I did not want to let him go. I wanted to hold him forever and never give him back. I wanted to take him home with us.

But, I knew we couldn't, and so, as best as we could, we told him... Goodbye.

I was discharged that morning and had to face that awful hallway once again. It was longer this time. Walking all the way down the labor and delivery wing, past the rows of rooms where mommies and daddies and babies were kissing and cuddling, past the nursery where someone had the foresight to close the blinds... my feet grew heavy and I couldn't stop myself from crying the whole way.

"Leaving is hard, isn't it?" the new morning nurse said. I just nodded.

Down the elevator, to the car.

No infant car seat needed.

We drove off, without him, and that was that.